EPIGRAPH ON SUICIDE

WHY BLACK GIRLS CONSIDER SUICIDE:

 By Azya Lashelle

I had learned to duck from the breeze that smelled of Black bodies. 

After years of watching strange fruit dangle from poplar trees,

Today, I wasn’t fast enough and the smell alone made me lose my appetite 

so I stopped eating right. 

For days this would last, 

my school’s psychiatrist said I was a few pounds away, from being anorexic. 

He prescribed me Zyprexa, which made me eat, and eat, and eat. 

Never feeling full, I don’t take Zyprexa anymore.

I did have trouble sleeping. 

Falling and staying asleep. 

Each time I closed my eyes, I would keep, 

thinking of Breonna Taylor. 

My psychiatrist prescribed me Trazodone 

said it would help me fall asleep. 

But for some reason, I keep waking up. 

It's like my brain just won't shut up. 

When I see cops now

I have racing thoughts and heart rate, 

some moments where I feel irate, 

others I just feel sad then quickly I go from laughing hysterically to completely mad. 

My psychiatrist said I have some type of bipolar. 

Prescribed me Abilify, to help with the emotions 

I couldn’t quite identify. 

Taken once a day to stabilize my mood, 

sometimes I skip a few. 

Then it's like suddenly I can’t find my breath 

like a knee is placed upon my neck until I have nothing left. 

My psychiatrist called these panic attacks

and prescribed me Prozac.

It comes in a little white and blue pill. 

Said this should help me feel normal, whatever normal is. 

Did you know that the side effect of Prozac is anxiety, nervousness, suicidal thoughts, difficulty falling or staying asleep, nausea, dizziness? 

But the effects are greater than the risk I’m told. 

Now I’m taking Adderall, to help hold

My attention, to keep my focus, 

how can I focus 

when Black people are dying at an obsessive rate. 

I try to find my place in this world where white people take up so much space, 

now I’m feeling out of place. 

I begin to isolate myself.

Now I’m feeling lonely. 

I toss the pills around in my hand

before taking them back 

I take a sip of water. I hurry up and swallow.

And follow it, 

with another swig of water.

If only these pills could heal me.